Tuesday, 30 March 2010

Spit or Swallow?

Bubble wrap. Newspaper. Old bras. Bottle caps. Used bed sheets. Rubbish bags. 
That pretty much sums up last night. 

And I'm not the kinda girl to get involved in all that dumpster diving craziness so where else would I be? Only at a green fashion show. Obviously. 

There I was, successfully convincing myself that a skirt made from old bras was a great way to reuse materials and a highly wearable garment at the same time. I mean, hellooww, functional piece of clothing right there people! When wouldn't you need an item like that in your wardrobe? Just think of the possibilities- a tongue-in-cheek burlesque dance outfit, um... a burlesque Halloween costume... excreta excreta. Just needs a bit of imagination, thats all. 

And then the hosts were all like: 
"Shows over folks"
(internal thoughts: Hmm I really should think about making a bra skirt...)

"But please take some time to check out our sponsors stalls and see how you can become more eco friendly"
(pssst, I'm going home to make a bra skirt, eco friendly my ass)

"And there is a free buffet at the back of the hall. Enjoy your night"
(.... free buffet... perhaps the greatest combination of words in the english language. The is no other two words strung together that can get me as hot and bothered as FREE BUFFET. Is that sad? I really don't care. I have to go load my plate with as much food as I can possibly fit, so if you'll excuse me I will be on my merry way. Eating my way to obesity, obesity, obesity, eating my way to obesity all the live long day...)

What preceded was some finger-licking, tongue-smacking, mouthwatering, scrumptious fun. So what better way to wash this down by some white wine, free white wine may I add- the best kind. 

Now I do enjoy the odd glass (or bottle!) of wine here and there, but I always feel sufficiently awkward when I'm in the presence of someone who knows stuff about wine. 
Enjoyment of wine and knowledge of wine. These two things don't go hand in hand. 
I don't think this is my fault. I socialise in certain circles where the only thing taken into consideration when purchasing wine is the percentage of alcohol to price ratio. My comrades and I may be found downing a bottle of vino before frequenting a licensed establishment. 
To the general public we are labeled as Students. 
When in other students presence this kind of relationship with wine is perfectly acceptable. 
But what if a student should find themselves in a certain situation where they must hold a conversation with people knowledgeable on wine?
As I found myself in this exact situation I have come up with a few tips on how to fool people into thinking you know what their talking about. 
Read these tips and thank me later. 

  • A common misconception is that it's important the way you hold a wine glass. If a certain stance and expression is executed then no one will be none the wiser that you are a novice in the world of wine. Hold the wine glass away from your body in a way that seems you are repulsed by it. Now keeping the repulsed theme going, adapt an expression on your face that screams 'why am I surrounded by these peasants?'. Well done.

  • Swirl the wine glass from side to side in a vigorous manner. Extra pints if you manage to spill some wine. Make some vague comment on on how the wine has nice legs. This is done to show how full bodied a wine is. Personally I like skinny wines. 

  • Now for some metaphors. A glass of wine is often described as a flower. The skinny bit of the glass is referred to as the stem. Understand? And the round bit of the glass is know as the flower. Have I lost you? Well no matter, all you need to remember is to stick your nose into the flower part and inhale deeply. Sorta like when your trying to hack up some phlegm. Except stop after you inhale. No spitting. Yet. 

  • This next step is perhaps the most difficult as wines will vary. However there are certain words that can be applied to nearly all wines when describing their aroma. To make it  bit easier try to generalise your descriptions. For example, instead of saying a wine smells oaky, say it smells like a deciduous tree. A safe bet will be mentioning the aroma of grapes in the wine. 

  • Now comes the fun part. Tasting. Although this may not be what you are used to. You must go against everything you have learned. It has been ingrained in us since childhood to swallow our drinks. Spitting drinks was a practice that was punishable by a smack in my household so I find this step very liberating. Under no circumstance should you swallow the wine. Swish the wine around your mouth much like you would with mouth wash. People will be extra impressed if you can gargle it. Now for the pièce de résistance. Spit. You could be subtle about it and spit it back into your glass or a nearby napkin. But for that extra 'something something' spit it on the ground with force. It shows people that you know what you are doing. The will be impressed. 

These are basic tips. As you become more experienced you may want to add things that will reflect your own personal style. I for one like to gargle in rhythm to Lady Gaga's bad romance. Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah. Roma-roma-ma-ah. Ga-ga-oh-la-la. Keeping it real. 


Taren said...

Your last paragraph had me laughing. out loud. for reals. quality wit, right there.

i got rid of my sound effects because everyone was complaining! except for you, so thanks. bunch of sissies. don't recognize quality humor when they see (or hear) it.

I think that's all I wanted to say.

Oh, and I have never tasted wine. Such is my life.

p.s. i think we could be great friends.

Andy said...

Pah! I couldn't spit wine out. I only drink to get drunk, don't like the taste of wine.. it would be a waste! =)

Captain Dumbass said...

Would I get extra points for blowing it out in a great cloud and then throwing the glass to the floor and swearing a lot?

Seeking Opposite said...

Taren- Could be friends? I thought we already were... you cut me real deep

Andy- I like your style.

Captain- um i guess that works too? Please be my guest, try that out and report your findings!

Taren said...

(laughing). that means i'm laughing. much cooler than "haha", or the commonly misinterpreted "lol".

Taren said...

p.s. can we be facebook official?

Seeking Opposite said...

Taren I've spent far to long looking for a way to get to your facebook. Alas I have given up and added...um olga is it? I couldn't resist, what with a profile picture like that?!
I will be waiting with baited breath for her acceptance!

Taren said...

okay... but i feel the need to inform you that it was sort of an inside joke... a not so funny inside joke. either way, this should help narrow down your elusive search or the one and only, me.

Taren said...

*for* the one and only